How to deal with grief?
Dusseldorf. The loss of a beloved pet can be a difficult time for the entire family, but especially for children who are facing death for the first time. Especially in these moments it is noticeable that pets are increasingly seen as family members or friends and their absence means a great loss. Parents should support their children during this difficult phase, but sometimes they don't know how.
Beate Alefeld-Gerges is the board member and educational director of Trauland – Center for Grieving Children and Young People in Bremen. Every day she deals with children and how they deal with the loss of someone close to them: “It varies a lot depending on their age. Children under the age of six do not yet have a proper understanding of death and tend to see it as temporary; they often ask when the deceased person will come back. From the age of seven, most children understand this finality and begin to ask questions. Some are afraid that loved ones or other animals could also die. Parents should explain to them that the death of their pet has nothing to do with the health of others. If the pet has died of an illness, many children will have questions about it that should be answered as much as possible. Young people can ultimately accept death, but they usually need open conversations and shared exchanges in order to come to terms with their grief.”
Allow feelings and talk about the loss
Grief is a natural process that parents should talk to their children about without hiding their own feelings. “Children usually deal with their grief much more intuitively than adults. “They don’t hold back sad emotions, they seek support in a hug without hesitation and, above all, they still allow for happy feelings – we adults can often learn a lesson from that,” says the expert. Accordingly, children should be given space to talk about their feelings and answer general questions about death honestly and sensitively. This also applies if a beloved animal has died. It can help to remember the wonderful experiences with the animal together, such as: What do you miss most? Do you remember that one funny moment?
Farewell rituals
Farewell rituals can also help children process their grief and give the farewell a solid framework. In principle, there is the option of burying the animal with a small ceremony, for example in an animal cemetery or in a cemetery forest. If local regulations allow it and your own property (not rented) is not in a drinking water protection area, most pets can also be buried in your own garden. You can also ask the veterinary office about the exact regulations in each location. The Federal Association of Animal Undertakers answers general questions about animal burial at www.tierbestatter-bundesverband.de.
“Aside from funeral ceremonies, there are also many opportunities to get creative with your children and remember together. Then the children are not helpless in their grief, but can do something,” explains Alefeld-Gerges. “Depending on the child’s age, they can, for example, paint pictures or the family can work together to create and design a book with photos, stories and special memories. Children usually have a lot of their own ideas here. Perhaps a souvenir such as the animal's favorite toy will help you think back to your pet in a positive way every now and then. Alternatively, you can choose, for example, a candle that the child can light whenever they want to remember moments together, or you can release a balloon with a letter to say something to your beloved animal.”
The need for a new animal: A good idea?
Sooner or later, the child or parents may want a new pet. That's not a bad idea in principle – the last pet was a loyal companion for several years and brought a lot of joy. However, you should keep in mind that the new animal is always a new individual that you have to get involved with again – but never a mere replacement. “Such a step should only be taken when the grief is no longer so acute and you can fully get involved with your new roommate,” advises the expert. “This shouldn’t be a hasty decision. If the idea comes from the parents, they should sit down with their child beforehand and include them in the considerations. Some children are ready for such changes immediately – others, however, need a little longer to fully process the grief.”
If in doubt, seek support
Especially because the parents themselves are usually just as attached to their pet as the child, it may be that the grief phase overwhelms them or they don't know what to do next. “Fortunately, parents are not on their own here,” says Alefeld-Gerges. “When it comes to conveying the topic of death sensitively to the child, there are, for example, many children's books that can support this and deal with the topic in a child-friendly way. For example, the book “Is it supposed to be like that?” about a girl whose canary has died and who is now learning to deal with grief. Stories like these provide a good incentive to talk specifically about the loss or questions about your own child. If a child has difficulty dealing with the loss even after a long time, you should not be afraid to seek professional help, for example from a child psychologist. In contrast to the grieving parents themselves, they are trained to deal with such difficult issues.”
For support, children or parents can turn to institutions such as mourning country, the nationwide youth online advice service on the topics of farewell, death and grief, or the telephone counseling service “Number against Grief” on 116 111.